an overdue goodbye

I'd like to be honest, even maybe once in my life. 

I've been ready, for a long time now. But I bought a sustainable amount of time to make sure. 

A year from today I was ready, to let go of all the hatred, doubts and fears. Sadly, letting all that go means letting you too, go.

We've tried, you and me, we did. But it was never enough and it was never what we wanted. 

It's been unfair, to feel like I was trapped in something that I didn't want but I stuck around to make sure that we will be fine.

I always thought leaving little by little is way better than just dropping everything all at once. Sadly, you never saw how I was drifting, how you were losing me little by little.

I was the sand in the palm of your hands that dropped little by little. You are the one to wash away the pieces that was left onto your palms.

As sand dropped onto the beach I tried looking for each part of me, trying to find bits of moments.

It's been a year, since I was sure and now open your hands, let go.

When we were little, we had this fairy tale ending idea of how things will be. But as the years go by, there would be times when you will have to settle for less, change your standards or stop and reevaluate the things around you.

They say we have no memory of pain, we can remember the thing that inflicted pain but never the feeling itself. But what does it mean if you can still feel all of it one day?

In the midst of the night I saw flashes of what had happened, of what you made me feel, all the pain I never thought possible. Pain wasn't the worst part of it, but the anger that I can't contain. Anger of the people who had hurt me and anger to myself for not being strong enough. 

It's been years, and everyone had buried all the pain and anger but here I am thinking and still feeling. I have forgiven it, I have forgiven him but it didn't made any difference. It still happened and maybe after all, you know in your heart that you will never forget. And if its that's the case, then maybe you haven't really forgiven anyone at all.

seconder shorts

Him: We've got to stop this. This addiction, this confusion. Do you know how to stop this?

Her: Do you know how?

Him: No.

Her: You suggested that we stop this, so didn't you ever think how?

Him: No

Her: Maybe you never wanted to stop.

I'm still here. But oftentimes I ask myself why I'm here, why I've let myself stay for too long and made the pain stronger and tolerable.

"I'd like to scrub off your smell on my skin because every time I breathe I seek and long for you."

three open letters

There are 82 letters in here, and they're all addressed to you. I wrote them all this summer, one a day, but I never sent them because I was afraid. I was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. Cause you hurt me so bad and I was afraid to be vulnerable again. I was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. And I know that doesn't matter now, after what I did, but I just thought that you should know. This is how I spent my summer, Luke, wanting you. I was just too scared to admit it.     -Brook Davis, One Tree Hill

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To Mr. Empire State of Mind

"We've got to stop this", that's the first thing that came into my mind. For the past couple of months, you're nowhere to be found, I've been tossing, turning and looking everywhere for you. I've been looking for you, though I know where you are, where I can find you. I just can't admit it, that you left without saying anything. So how will I say goodbye to someone you never had? How would I tell myself that it's over, though it haven't started yet. You left before and when you came back, it's as if nothing happened. As if you didn't hurt anyone. You've got to stop coming and going, you've got to stop hurting me. Now I ask myself, now that you're coming back, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to come back to you? I don't know. My face is on my palm, almost crying but instead I let out a sigh, thinking that one day I'll get through this. One day I'll have you or one day I will lose you. It's one way or the other. Whatever happens, it is because we both wanted it. We agreed to where this is going. All I want is for you to be happy, because no matter how hurt I am, I will always hope for the better. The better for you and me. Because, I Love you.

With much Love, yours always.

--

To Mr. Hot Shot

I remember how I saw you for the first time, from a distance through all the people. I remember how you smile and how you shook your head. I remember you. The person everyone loves. I don't know how we both fell in this situation, how we both became trapped on where we are. Now I sit here beside you, hand in hand but I can't figure out why my hands is in yours and why your lips are in mine. I want to hold back or fight the urge of kissing you, but I cant. Every time people scream out your name, I wanted you to scream back mine. Every time they come running after you, I wanted you to come hide with me. I can't keep doing this, being with you. Because I will never be good enough, I will never be that someone who will always be there. I am just a friend.

Your friend, Ms.Confused.

--

To Mr. Know-it-all

I know how stubborn you are, like you know what I am thinking of or what I am going through. You have no idea how everyday I have to wake-up and drag myself to work. Or how I have to sleep through all the pain life had caused me. You and I, we always clicked, we always give way to one another, to give each other a chance, a chance to be happy. It should be perfect, it should be like a fairytale. I don't know if its all the mistakes we've done, or the chances we gave but I grew tired. Tired of trying and forgiving. I grew tired of what we have and what I have to wake up to everyday. I look at us and I this is not the life that I wanted for myself. I want a better life for myself, not to drag me into a black hole. I don't know how to say this anymore because I've said this millions of times before, and yet, we're still here.

your used to be.

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