the empty blackboard

I miss and love you very much but the lies had pushed me off the cliff, I am still hanging on trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and hoping that someday you'll change and come to your senses. I can never imagine how much you changed from the mom I used to know, that woman I come home to everyday of the 20 years of my existence, how one day I opened the door and seen no one, without any word. I found myself asking what we have done for you to take off and leave us with no warning. I always wanted to be like you, to be a woman of confidence, of passion and of heart. Now I only want to be like you because I wanted to find someone like dad who never failed to give us everything we wanted, like dad who never made us feel guilty of the decisions we make, like dad who loves us without any hesitation and without any condition. The love that dad gave you is the only thing I wanted to find. After all, you we're his one and only love and like all those sad sad stories, sometimes it could take a turn. Maybe we had deprived you of your happiness, I can still remember that time in high school when you told me that you we're not happy anymore but I told you to make it work. I was young, and that was the only thing I can say. Maybe it was my bad, I shouldn't have made you come back. After that day, everything was a lie. I had a fake family. Now you're gone, I can only wish you happiness and to find whatever that is you want to find. I am now 20, almost 21, the only thing I can do is to get on with my life and start patching the wounds of the past. I still have dad, and sometimes the best mom is dad. I can never be mad at you, for a moment or two I almost threw a punch but I could never keep a grudge. You will always be my mom and I will always love you. Things are just different now, I wouldn't call us a family but I will always remember how we once were. I appreciated the sorry you threw on yesterday along with a few tears but this is not just about you and your happiness anymore, It's about how many people you had to hurt for you to get your certain kind of happiness. You told me many times that I would never understand, but I do. I can see it perfectly clear, don't mind the explaining. If this makes you happy, then go for it. I Love you mom but you fucked up big time, I don't know how you are going to fix everything. This mess you made is over epic proportions. As for me, the only thing I want to do now is to take care of dad and protect him from more pain you are about to cause him. I love you mom, like crazy, but you have to get your act together.

I have some serious mom issues.