We stood there, watching

 "It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less."

― Greg Behrendt

I remember posting this quote from an entry not so long ago, it became some sort of mantra. Maybe it's something I believed in, maybe it's one of the reasons why I never settled for a job that didn't make me happy or payed good, or settle for just one bottle of beer, or just one day at the beach. Coz maybe I always believed in getting everything, in getting the best and not settling... for much much less. 

We've loved and lost too many to decipher which feeling belongs to what word.

A few years back, I met someone who changed the things I wanted in my life. Made me believe that I can always settle for much less than what I deserve. I know, it sounds pathetic. But you know what, it sorta made me think things through. That you can't always get what you want, when you want it. Time will decide when and where will be the right time.

A year later, I found myself sitting at a yogurt store. There I was, seated with my knees near my chest, a book in my hand, earphones with the smiths playing. He planted a kiss on my right and left cheek, he took me by surprise. He held my hand and said sorry he was late. I didn't mind, because in my head I know there will be no greater happiness than having him beside me, finally.

He's never someone I imagined I'll be with. He has his issues; issues of commitment, time, feelings and things I don't even understand. For years I can count the times he said what he felt. He was never good with words or actions but his silence made me want and love more though I know I an settling for much, much less.

We went home, to a home we shared, a home we built, a home we can call ours. I sat beside him and turned the television on and put it on his favorite channel that only shows basketball. I sat there beside him, his hand around my waist, my head against his chest. I can hear it beating slowly, I can feel every breath he takes. It's music to my ears and it's comforting as I close my eyes. 

Everything happened very fast, one day we we're falling in love and the next moment we we're falling apart.

The most painful part is not knowing it will come, or not being able to fight for it. We both lost our ways, we've let things come between us. We saw how everything came crashing, how the tragedy unfold. We stood there, watching.

I sat at the same yogurt store, with a book in my hand and with earphones playing the smiths. I slightly closed my eyes, wishing that he'll come and kiss me on my cheek and hold my hand.


But he never came.