an overdue goodbye

I'd like to be honest, even maybe once in my life. 

I've been ready, for a long time now. But I bought a sustainable amount of time to make sure. 

A year from today I was ready, to let go of all the hatred, doubts and fears. Sadly, letting all that go means letting you too, go.

We've tried, you and me, we did. But it was never enough and it was never what we wanted. 

It's been unfair, to feel like I was trapped in something that I didn't want but I stuck around to make sure that we will be fine.

I always thought leaving little by little is way better than just dropping everything all at once. Sadly, you never saw how I was drifting, how you were losing me little by little.

I was the sand in the palm of your hands that dropped little by little. You are the one to wash away the pieces that was left onto your palms.

As sand dropped onto the beach I tried looking for each part of me, trying to find bits of moments.

It's been a year, since I was sure and now open your hands, let go.

When we were little, we had this fairy tale ending idea of how things will be. But as the years go by, there would be times when you will have to settle for less, change your standards or stop and reevaluate the things around you.

They say we have no memory of pain, we can remember the thing that inflicted pain but never the feeling itself. But what does it mean if you can still feel all of it one day?

In the midst of the night I saw flashes of what had happened, of what you made me feel, all the pain I never thought possible. Pain wasn't the worst part of it, but the anger that I can't contain. Anger of the people who had hurt me and anger to myself for not being strong enough. 

It's been years, and everyone had buried all the pain and anger but here I am thinking and still feeling. I have forgiven it, I have forgiven him but it didn't made any difference. It still happened and maybe after all, you know in your heart that you will never forget. And if its that's the case, then maybe you haven't really forgiven anyone at all.

seconder shorts

Him: We've got to stop this. This addiction, this confusion. Do you know how to stop this?

Her: Do you know how?

Him: No.

Her: You suggested that we stop this, so didn't you ever think how?

Him: No

Her: Maybe you never wanted to stop.

I'm still here. But oftentimes I ask myself why I'm here, why I've let myself stay for too long and made the pain stronger and tolerable.

"I'd like to scrub off your smell on my skin because every time I breathe I seek and long for you."

three open letters

There are 82 letters in here, and they're all addressed to you. I wrote them all this summer, one a day, but I never sent them because I was afraid. I was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. Cause you hurt me so bad and I was afraid to be vulnerable again. I was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. And I know that doesn't matter now, after what I did, but I just thought that you should know. This is how I spent my summer, Luke, wanting you. I was just too scared to admit it.     -Brook Davis, One Tree Hill

--


To Mr. Empire State of Mind

"We've got to stop this", that's the first thing that came into my mind. For the past couple of months, you're nowhere to be found, I've been tossing, turning and looking everywhere for you. I've been looking for you, though I know where you are, where I can find you. I just can't admit it, that you left without saying anything. So how will I say goodbye to someone you never had? How would I tell myself that it's over, though it haven't started yet. You left before and when you came back, it's as if nothing happened. As if you didn't hurt anyone. You've got to stop coming and going, you've got to stop hurting me. Now I ask myself, now that you're coming back, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to come back to you? I don't know. My face is on my palm, almost crying but instead I let out a sigh, thinking that one day I'll get through this. One day I'll have you or one day I will lose you. It's one way or the other. Whatever happens, it is because we both wanted it. We agreed to where this is going. All I want is for you to be happy, because no matter how hurt I am, I will always hope for the better. The better for you and me. Because, I Love you.

With much Love, yours always.

--

To Mr. Hot Shot

I remember how I saw you for the first time, from a distance through all the people. I remember how you smile and how you shook your head. I remember you. The person everyone loves. I don't know how we both fell in this situation, how we both became trapped on where we are. Now I sit here beside you, hand in hand but I can't figure out why my hands is in yours and why your lips are in mine. I want to hold back or fight the urge of kissing you, but I cant. Every time people scream out your name, I wanted you to scream back mine. Every time they come running after you, I wanted you to come hide with me. I can't keep doing this, being with you. Because I will never be good enough, I will never be that someone who will always be there. I am just a friend.

Your friend, Ms.Confused.

--

To Mr. Know-it-all

I know how stubborn you are, like you know what I am thinking of or what I am going through. You have no idea how everyday I have to wake-up and drag myself to work. Or how I have to sleep through all the pain life had caused me. You and I, we always clicked, we always give way to one another, to give each other a chance, a chance to be happy. It should be perfect, it should be like a fairytale. I don't know if its all the mistakes we've done, or the chances we gave but I grew tired. Tired of trying and forgiving. I grew tired of what we have and what I have to wake up to everyday. I look at us and I this is not the life that I wanted for myself. I want a better life for myself, not to drag me into a black hole. I don't know how to say this anymore because I've said this millions of times before, and yet, we're still here.

your used to be.

--

 

The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

And it takes me all the way, I want you to stay

We stood there, watching

 "It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less."

― Greg Behrendt

I remember posting this quote from an entry not so long ago, it became some sort of mantra. Maybe it's something I believed in, maybe it's one of the reasons why I never settled for a job that didn't make me happy or payed good, or settle for just one bottle of beer, or just one day at the beach. Coz maybe I always believed in getting everything, in getting the best and not settling... for much much less. 

We've loved and lost too many to decipher which feeling belongs to what word.

A few years back, I met someone who changed the things I wanted in my life. Made me believe that I can always settle for much less than what I deserve. I know, it sounds pathetic. But you know what, it sorta made me think things through. That you can't always get what you want, when you want it. Time will decide when and where will be the right time.

A year later, I found myself sitting at a yogurt store. There I was, seated with my knees near my chest, a book in my hand, earphones with the smiths playing. He planted a kiss on my right and left cheek, he took me by surprise. He held my hand and said sorry he was late. I didn't mind, because in my head I know there will be no greater happiness than having him beside me, finally.

He's never someone I imagined I'll be with. He has his issues; issues of commitment, time, feelings and things I don't even understand. For years I can count the times he said what he felt. He was never good with words or actions but his silence made me want and love more though I know I an settling for much, much less.

We went home, to a home we shared, a home we built, a home we can call ours. I sat beside him and turned the television on and put it on his favorite channel that only shows basketball. I sat there beside him, his hand around my waist, my head against his chest. I can hear it beating slowly, I can feel every breath he takes. It's music to my ears and it's comforting as I close my eyes. 

Everything happened very fast, one day we we're falling in love and the next moment we we're falling apart.

The most painful part is not knowing it will come, or not being able to fight for it. We both lost our ways, we've let things come between us. We saw how everything came crashing, how the tragedy unfold. We stood there, watching.

I sat at the same yogurt store, with a book in my hand and with earphones playing the smiths. I slightly closed my eyes, wishing that he'll come and kiss me on my cheek and hold my hand.


But he never came.

Coming home

Going back to our home away from home

Tali Beach, Batangas ♥

The way to Tali

Terrace/Balcony

There are two rooms, The room upstairs can accommodate maximum of 8 while the one downstairs can accommodate up to 12 people

The place is renovated since we last visited, it now has glass walls and new furniture.

The place is filled with makeshift decors

We arrived at Tali at 8 or 9pm so right after dinner we had a few drinks

I'm usually in charge of drinks so I mixed a cocktail for everyone. We called it "Tali beach".

We didn't drink too much because we wanted to enjoy the sun early the next day.

Breakfast

Pinoy breakfast; danggit, pusit, tocino, eggs, tomatoes.:)

first on the itinerary: Main beach

Second: Cliff

 

3rd: Palm Beach

We stayed here the rest of the afternoon because there's a mini kubo and there's no one on this stretch except for us.

 Photos from Nicole Villaluz and Avhiee Ceballos

a goodbye to 2012

This is one of those obligatory year-end posts. But really, this is just to gush out some of the things I've realized and the things I will soon let go of.

Many of us have tried to let go, of a feeling, a person, a job or even a toy; but we will always have a hard time forgetting the things that used to be. I remember having a friend from Coca-Cola telling me that a job is just a job that pays, its just something you do to earn money. Really, it is. Through the number of jobs that I had, I always thought that I have to work because I studied years for it. But ultimately, a job is just something you do to make money or to nurture your career.

That was what I thought, but then.... 

This was a post that my former boss made through Facebook. Me together with her and two of or our art guys resigned from our jobs.

So last year, I quit my job of about 6years, got my "fairytale wedding" after just 3 years, and realized that I was pretty good at being a housewife... and if there's one thing I learned in 2012 (aside from learning that drinking water in between drinks helps you NOT get drunk... but drinking too much does get you sick), it's that there is ALWAYS something new to learn, about yourself, your partner, the life you're used to. And that you CAN actually UN-learn things too, which more often than not is much harder to do. You can un-learn to be complacent and learn to be brave despite the odds, despite the fear of the unknown... and despite not having a back-up job after quitting the one you've known and loved. You learn your worth, even after 6 years, you learn that appreciation really is worth more than income. And you learn how nurturing friendships is more important than nurturing just your career. And you learn that real love type loves really are things you work on, even if it means crying on New Year's just to tell your partner that you are both in this together, because there's no better time than now to always assure and reassure and you un-learn not to be so defensive or offensive and learn that some "discussions" only require you to shut-up and give a hug as a response... and you win, because hugs always win. And you learn that being "independent" is more than just being domesticated and being on your own. It's sharing your life, your time with those you've let inside your heart and learning that "joy shared really is joy multiplied." And you learn that there is always hope... because the RH Bill is now a law and I am so happy that women now have this opportunity to learn more about themselves, to learn their worth, and to hopefully learn more, to hunger for more learning, to feed the mind and soul, and not simply the 12mouths you have to take care of.
 

 So yeah, if we are looking into measuring life through a job I know I'm a big failure but if we are measuring it through how I live it then maybe for once, I am doing something right. Maybe my heart is full of love and happiness that people bring me or fulfilled with all the things I do.

Yes, there are things that are more important than just having a career or a stable job. Now that I had opened a can of worms, now I ask myself, So why am I so stressed about this? 

South of the Border, West of the Sun

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star.
It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.” 

         -Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

close your eyes and make a wish

She stared at the Sky above her and instantly she knew it was wrong, but when she stared beside where he lay, she wasn't so sure after all.

She looked at him as if they were the only people in the world, he closed his eyes as if in a dream. She looked up the Sky and closed her eyes.

She wished to be with him forever or maybe just a little bit longer. She felt like there was an expiration for what they have, for whatever it is they have.

He closed his eyes and wished for serenity or even for clarity. He knew he had to face the fact that someday he needs to get his act together.

They both opened their eyes...

She was in front of her computer finishing her financial proposals, it's half past five and she was snoozing off at work.

He was at home on his bed, he was sleeping the whole day. He wasn't sure what time he got home from the party he went to the night before.

Sexing the Cherry by Jeanette Winterson

“When my husband had an affair with someone else I watched his eyes glaze over when we ate dinner together and I heard him singing to himself without me, and when he tended the garden it was not for me.

He was courteous and polite; he enjoyed being at home, but in the fantasy of his home I was not the one who sat opposite him and laughed at his jokes. He didn't want to change anything; he liked his life. The only thing he wanted to change was me.

It would have been better if he had hated me, or if he had abused me, or if he had packed his new suitcases and left.

As it was he continued to put his arm round me and talk about being a new wall to replace the rotten fence that divided our garden from his vegetable patch. I knew he would never leave our house. He had worked for it.

Day by day I felt myself disappearing. For my husband I was no longer a reality, I was one of the things around him. I was the fence which needed to be replaced. I watched myself in the mirror and saw that I was mo longer vivid and exciting. I was worn and gray like an old sweater you can't throw out but won't put on.

He admitted he was in love with her, but he said he loved me.

Translated, that means, I want everything. Translated, that means, I don't want to hurt you yet. Translated, that means, I don't know what to do, give me time.

Why, why should I give you time? What time are you giving me? I am in a cell waiting to be called for execution.

I loved him and I was in love with him. I didn't use language to make a war-zone of my heart.

'You're so simple and good,' he said, brushing the hair from my face.

He meant, Your emotions are not complex like mine. My dilemma is poetic.

But there was no dilemma. He no longer wanted me, but he wanted our life

Eventually, when he had been away with her for a few days and returned restless and conciliatory, I decided not to wait in my cell any longer. I went to where he was sleeping in another room and I asked him to leave. Very patiently he asked me to remember that the house was his home, that he couldn't be expected to make himself homeless because he was in love.

'Medea did,' I said, 'and Romeo and Juliet and Cressida, and Ruth in the Bible.'

He asked me to shut up. He wasn't a hero.

'Then why should I be a heroine?'

He didn't answer, he plucked at the blanket.

I considered my choices.

I could stay and be unhappy and humiliated.

I could leave and be unhappy and dignified.

I could Beg him to touch me again.

I could live in hope and die of bitterness.

I took some things and left. It wasn't easy, it was my home too.

I hear he's replaced the back fence.”

― Jeanette Winterson, Sexing the Cherry

lavish

KRIS BERNAL

Photo by Arojo Santos
Styling by Sky Gavin
Hair and Make-up by Allyson Azarraga
Shot at Bright Eyes Studio

Shot for Tweak Magazine

when morning comes

As the night goes deeper, he pulled me closer. His hands clasped mine, his lips touched my shoulder. His kiss crept up my neck to my lips. He pulled me in and touched my face then whispered how beautiful I was. The night sky turned darker as sparkles of stars came through. We lay there face to face, his smile was genuine and perfect, his laugh is like music to my ears and harmony to my heart. He asked me how we ended up there in that moment, when a few years ago we we're just strangers on different ends of the world. I never thought of it, we we're just there hand in hand like the world didn't matter, like the world didn't know. We we're a secret, he was my best kept secret, my darkest one.

He held me closer, my head against his chest his hands around my shoulders. I can hear his heart beat and I wished every beat calls out my name. I closed my eyes and felt him kiss me on the forehead. He held my hand and wished it can only hold mine.

Slowly, I opened my eyes to the morning light. I sat beside the window with my back against the wall. He is like a dream that goes away when you wake up, like how the moon looms over another when daylight comes.

I love the way you hold my hand, And if I can, I would love to hold them forever.
I love the way you smile, And if I can, I would love to be the reason of that smile everyday.
I love the way you pull me closer, And if I can, I would love to be close to you always.

Maybe it's wrong to feel like this, to feel like I want you and always wanna be with you, But no matter what the gamble is, I'm all in.

I don't know how to tell you, when to tell you or even find the right words to say. But I wish I can be the one who will always make you smile, the one who will always be by your side, to be the one who will never leave you astray. I will always be beside you, will hold your hand and will make you feel better. When people try to bring you down I will hold you up, when they try to break you I will cover you.

I love watching you fall asleep and be the one who first sees you. I'd love to keep those tears from falling, I'd love to take all your sadness.

I know I cannot love you enough or that much, but I can always try to make you feel love like you never imagined. 

But why am I saying this? Maybe because I am a trooper, or maybe just a wild sky dreamer.

“It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less." ― Greg Behrendt

Alter Ego

Attraction is an emotional concept defined by things we learn and carry within.
You look at yourself at the mirror and you are unsure of what you see.
The only way I can find out is to let go. See how far this world will take me.
All my expectations, attachments and memories. Just let go, see what happens.
The fear that I have is the fear of knowing.
Knowing that whoever you are, whoever you wanna be,
You can just be yourself.

-This is from H&M's short entitled Alter Ego